As I grew older and hit puberty, it seemed like the harder I tried the more trouble I had fitting in. I still had this teenage girl trapped inside that wanted to come out but also had the secondary characteristics of a boy developing adding to the confusion I felt. So many nights were spent wishing that when I awoke in the morning I would have the secondary characteristics of a girl developing instead of those of a boy but each morning I awoke disappointed. I still had no idea why I was having these feelings as I had never heard of gender identity disorder or even knew that changing the physical characteristics was even a remote posibility. After a long series of problems both in school and occassionally with the law resulting in expulsion from the 11th grade I decided that the only way to keep the girl inside subdued was to volunteer for military service. I figured the rigorous training and lack of privacy would make the pain I felt inside go away. Well it did work for a few months but as time went on it became harder to each day to ignore. Finding ways to let the girl inside out for even a few minutes seemed an almost impossible task but I somehow managed to do it.

  While I was in the barracks room alone it wasn't a big deal as I could lock my door and let her out for a while at night but it wasn't long before I was assigned a roommate who naturally was a gung ho soldier. That put an end to allowing the girl inside to experience some freedom. As the need to express myself grew stronger, I turned to a life filled with lots of alcohol to ease the emotional pain I was feeling inside. This method worked while I was intoxicated but as soon as I was sober again, the pain returned. I had become so accustomed to getting off work and drinking that it wasn't long before I had to find a means to increase my income to support my alcohol addiction. What I thought was a sure fire way to make lots of money fast by selling drugs ended up costing me all of my rank and all of my pay for 60 days while I spent that time doing hard labor in the military stockade and a discharge under other than honorable conditions. Basically considered a bad conduct discharge. Since I was now a civilian again and back to looking for a way to support myself, again the girl inside had to be locked away. The easiest way to do this I thought was get married and live a traditional life as a husband and soon to follow a father.

  This marriage lasted for a total of 5 years and 3 children were born into the family. I know you are thinking well if the marriage lasted 5 years then it must have worked to keep the girl inside locked away. Not a chance of that happening as my secret stash of female clothes was discovered a couple times and eventually led my wife to have an affair and ask for a divorce. We separated for a little over a year with me leaving the area and moving to Florida before the divorce became finalized. Here I was single again and fighting hard to keep this female side locked away from anyones view. I tried on numerous occassions to date genetic girls but found myself not able to establish a lasting relationship with them for fear of them finding out my secret. So back into depression I seemed to go. Due to this constant in and out of depression I was unable to hold a steady job since when I was down I would quit working at a job and didn't care about my life anymore. It seems I had more down days than up and my life was in shambles. I moved around so much because I couldn't keep a job and would end up not having a place to live that my parents never knew from month to month where I would be.